Welcome to Camp Kian, Grasshopper

On the eve of Kian's first birthday we are still undergoing extensive baby training. He has us doing interval sessions: when he drops we learn to pick up, over and over. We are doing some feedback-response training: he squaks and we come running, and then he times us and offers ways for us to improve. And he has us doing constant problem solving exercises, very zen-like stuff: he cries and we have to figure out what the f is up: sometimes its a poopy diaper, sometimes its teething pain, but sometimes its really nothing at all -- very cunning is our Guru. And he's got us on a rigorous physical conditioning program with some pain-threshold training: he bites us, pokes our eyes, pulls our nostrils, fish-hooks us, and we are not allowed to retaliate or grimmace.

So far its going well and we've almost survived the first year at the International School of Baby. Master Kian says that if we do well, in 18 years he'll let us graduate and he'll go off to an expensive private college back East. But little does Kian know that I've already got a 529 Plan going for him at the best community college in LKC (Lower King County).